''Oh,'' he said, ''she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''

+ + +

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to

see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and

murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

+ + +

The best joke we've heard in a long time:

"Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 90 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "Not, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think its Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffer!"

+ + +

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a pet shop to look for a Baptist dog.

They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"

Surprised, the pet shop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description."

So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bible."

And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.

Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23".

The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.

Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.

Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"

The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel."

Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"

+ + +

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records....... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful

news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close

family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

+++

The Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently." But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, We are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!