Computer Help Desk
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Help desk:
Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Help desk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ... Customer: No
... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my
desk...sorry!
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Help desk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen. Customer: Your left or my left?
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Help desk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I
can't print. Help desk: Would you click on start for me and .. Customer:
Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn
it!
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Help desk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my
boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Help desk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Help desk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Help desk: Did the keyboard come with you all the way?
Customer: Yes
Help desk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one
does work!
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A customer couldn't get on the Internet
Help desk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Help desk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Help desk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Help desk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
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From: "The Good, Clean Funnies List" <gcfl-info @gcfl.net>
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home.
Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the
first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his
hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her,
"Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see
us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's too risky!"
Him: "Oh please, please, I like you so much!"
Her: "No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: No, no. I just can't."
Him: "I beg you...."
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a
sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a
kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down and do
it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off
the intercom button!"
========BPL=======
Subject: Fwd: fender skirts
Hi, Here's a little memory jogger of terms most of have probably
forgotten. Enjoy and don't feel too old!
Fender skirts
I haven't thought about "fender skirts" in years. When I was a kid,
I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress.
Thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words
that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of
cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will
probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of
these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders
and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a
Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point
"parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama
that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call
the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so
you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never
anymore - "store- bought." Of course, just about everything is
store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have
a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement
and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for
granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our
homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their
wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family
way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once
considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite
company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a
family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the
other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now.
"Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper
"divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not
a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and
"career girls" are long gone, too.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered
"movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s
word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty
put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to
say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr.
Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so
modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and
"ElectraLuxe." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil
anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered
list. The one that grieves me most - "supper." Now everybody says
"dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender
skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me, and I thought some of us of a "certain
age" would remember most of these.
=======BPL=======
WARNING! YOU ARE ENTERING THE PUN ZONE. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.
From: Stan Kegel <kegel @fea.net>
The chief of an Indian tribe in Western Nebraska was faced
with a dilemma. He had three daughters.
The oldest was one of the most beautiful women who ever
lived. She was smart as well as beautiful.
The second daughter was also very beautiful, but not as
striking as the first.
The third was very, very plain. (The tribe was a group of
Plains Indians.)
There were three young Indian warriors vying for the
affections of the chief's daughters. To solve the dilemma and get his
daughters married, the chief proposed that the three Indian braves go
out into the forest and return with evidence of their hunting prowess.
All three braves agreed.
The first Indian, the best warrior and hunter in the tribe,
immediately spotted a ferocious mountain lion. Taking his bow and
arrow, he shot the lion, skinned it and returned to camp with the pelt.
The chief was impressed, and asked the young warrior if he
wanted to marry his oldest, most beautiful, most accomplished daughter.
The brave replied that he did.
The chief said, "Take your lion skin to your tepee, lay it
on the ground, and my daughter will join you. Then you may consummate
your marriage, and tomorrow, with all the rites and traditions of the
tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony."
The young Indian did as he was directed.
The second Indian, not as lucky as the first, took two days
to find prey worth shooting to prove his hunting prowess. He spotted a
bear. He shot it with his bow and arrow, skinned it, and returned to
camp with the bearskin.
The chief was impressed, and he asked him if he wanted to
marry his second daughter.
The brave replied that he did.
The chief said, "Take the bearskin to your tepee, lay the
pelt on the ground, and my daughter will join you. Then you may
consummate your marriage, and tomorrow, in all the rites and traditions
of our tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony."
The Indian did as he was directed.
The third Indian was, to be frank, a bumbling, inept fool.
He was no warrior, he couldn't hunt, and he could barely build a fire.
He had been a failure at "Indianing" since anyone could remember.
He went out to the forest, but couldn't find a lion or bear.
Finally, he did manage to find a sleeping hippopotamus wallowing in the
river. (Probably an escaped hippopotamus from the circus or zoo, to
explain its presence in western Nebraska.)
He shot it, skinned it, and brought the hippo skin back to
camp. The chief was impressed, and he realized that although this was
no fierce forest animal, the young brave had fulfilled his hunting
obligation.
"Would you like to marry my third, plain daughter?" the
chief asked. The brave replied that he did.
"Take the hippo skin to your tepee, lay it on the ground,
and my daughter will join you and you may consummate your marriage.
Tomorrow, with all the rites and traditions of the tribe, I shall
perform the sacred marriage ceremony."
And the young brave followed instructions.
Oh, wonder of wonders! Nine months later, three wonderful
events occurred. The first Indian brave and his beautiful wife had a
baby boy. The second Indian brave and his beautiful wife had a baby
boy. But the bumbling Indian who was good at nothing, and his plain
wife, who wasn't much better, had twin boys!
The tribe was amazed, none more than the chief, because
twins portended something special in Indian folklore, and nobody could
understand how this had happened to the third daughter and the third
brave.
Finally the chief gathered the people around him and said,
"I believe I know the reason for this mighty and wonderful event.
Remember, ... the son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
One liners
